Wednesday, February 18, 2009

moving...

www.aimeelastrella.tumblr.com

-peace :]

posted by aimeelastrella @ 12:01 AM 0 Comments

Monday, February 16, 2009

Dear Mr. Asshole,

You can surprise me sometimes. I'm glad I consented into the peer pressure.

Congratulations, you made it in here.

.....

Another person perused my blog and wondered if they were in here and if they had an alias. Here's the thing, if you want to know if you were written about in here, you probably were. You would just have to read every single entry and try and recall from memory anything that happened between you and I, but many of the entires are place private (sucks!). That really would be the only solution that I see. Or you can just monitor this like crazy. 

So could you be William Hayes? or the Australian? How about the Boomerang? Are you one of my nuns? Or the crooked priest? What about MC? who are you, I guess you'll never know.

- best
- the man I can't have.
- Jack (to my jill)
- sistahoe onblock
- william hayes
- cigarette
- OLD man
- boomerang
- nun 1 & 2
- willow tree
- crooked priest
- professor
- undercover agent
- choir boys 
- MC brown
- Mr. Asshole
- and many more....

feel free to find yourself.

posted by aimeelastrella @ 11:34 PM 0 Comments

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Love

So little time and so many things...

We have all said that, but this time I mean it in the past tense, if that is possible. Well it has to make sense.

No, I am not in love- but so many things have gone on that I have a new grasp of it. 

LOVE; it shouldn't be effortless because love obviously takes work, but it should feel effortless in the fact that you don't HAVE TO but WANT TO.


just thought I'd share some insight. LOVE.
-xoxo

posted by aimeelastrella @ 9:59 PM 0 Comments

Thursday, February 12, 2009

(unfiltered)

So in this entry I plan on writing the truth. Nothing else. So I hope everyone is prepared.

....
I want more in my life. Right now, I am stressed. There is a lot for me to do and so little time for me to accomplish it. I am really quite hesitant about everything I have to accomplish, but I love the feeling and the rush of being stressed. I feel that my best work comes from me being under pressure. 

Maybe that's why I am not a big fan of my own blog, because when I write in here I often have too much time to think and I tend to over think my emotions, others actions, and just life itself. Over thinking is my downfall and I hate that I over think. But hey we all have things we don't like about ourselves.

...

HONEST. 

I miss him. I miss the cigarette. As bad for me as he was, I miss him. Terribly. I know this is bad of me to say, but you know that feeling you get when you feel that no one else could possibly get you? I felt that for a long time, until I met him. I miss his smell, his smile, the way his clothes smelt like a filipino house, his sarcasm, and just the simple way we were. William Hayes, I miss you- I really do. I miss your presence around me and the butterflies you gave me when you were around. But I know I can't have you around and light up.

The alias of cigarette suits you, Mr. Hayes. Because with you I get a rush, without you I feel withdrawal and long for you, but in the long run I'm better off.

I constantly check up on you, Mr. Hayes. Although your actions disgust me and I have a large level of disdain for you, do know that I still care. You made me happy. I just hope you do the same.

Every night, I go out on our terrace and stare up at the sky. It is my time to just exhale everything out and unwind. But at the end of my last soothing breath my mind just goes back to you. I don't know why, but you are still in my heart.

I try to rationalize these feelings all the time. Saying that, I just miss the company. I miss someone being there, I probably do. Maybe I need another person, that's close to my perfect. I'll try, but I don't know.

I personally cannot wait until the end of February. My promise will be fulfilled to myself, I will have been six months single :]

...

I love being people's confidant. I love when they open up to me and let me in, but I hate it when they make a habit of it. For example, when they have a bad week and tell me or are mad at certain people and tell me- that is fine, but when it becomes a regular habit and you constantly call and want to talk for minor things or to just to complain, it bugs the heck out of me.

I'll be there for when it counts, but for a paper cut- I think not.

...

Part of me wishes I could know what could've happened that one winter break. The  winter break where "we" ended and the other "we" started. You see, if you kept in touch over that break it I think it could have lasted. I think we could have made it, but you didn't and every single time I think about you now I wonder, "what if..."

I'm not going to lie, he DID make me happy. But a large part of me knows that you could have made me happier. Mr. Hayes had a reason for not trusting you, because he knew part of my heart he could never have. "If only, if only..." 

...


posted by aimeelastrella @ 12:14 AM 1 Comments

Thursday, January 29, 2009

put off

So I have been putting off writing here, well because with every stroke of a key there comes a reaction. I'm not ready for the reaction. I know I'm not- so i compartmentalize.

I keep all my feelings and thoughts in a box, stored away in the back of my soul. To the dark depths, where you can't hear anything and the only way to get around  would be to feel the wall and listen for any sound. But you won't hear anything. Everything is silenced when you get that deep into the depths of my soul.

If you know me well, you know that I'm quiet. 

People reading this might think, no way are you quiet. But that just really shows how well you know me. And apparently, it is not that well enough.

You see, me writing in here is a way for anyone and everyone to take a step and light a candle into the compartmentalized areas of my heart and mind.

Which is more scary to see? I would tell you, but even I am to frightened to look for myself.

I have many thoughts, and most of them are written down, but for the ones I dare not speak or write; they're kept in a box. Locked up tight, with a key only I can imagine. You see, if you saw and understood the real me... you'd be let into a world far far to complicated to understand. And far off when no light reaches. You'd be in a place where thoughts have no seen reaction and words haven't seen the light of day.

I live in fear to let you see- see what I know and see what I feel.

posted by aimeelastrella @ 3:18 PM 0 Comments

Sunday, January 18, 2009

greetings and salutations

hello world, goodbye depending...

I'm personally kind of tired of depending on others. It is not like I am reliant on them and my sole purpose of being is based upon others, but the few that I do trust and depend on with all my heart, kind of let me down to a whole new level that I thought never existed. 

I'm sorry, but I am really over it. I'm really done depending on you. Thanks for nothing.

world, hello. Welcome a new me.

posted by aimeelastrella @ 2:11 PM 0 Comments

Monday, January 12, 2009

where in the world is....

... my best friend?

Everyday that I'm here, our relationship has changed more and more. It hasn't changed liked you promised me. Rather it has changed for the worse. If you forgot that you promised me that it would change, let me remind you of the night that you said goodbye to me you said it would change for the better.

and it hasn't. I don't know if your last post was to me, but in it you guaranteed that you'd be a changed man. I'm sorry to inform you that- I haven't seen it. But what hurts me more is that I haven't heard from my own best friend.

I love you, best. I need you, best. where are you?

But if this is the changed that you spoke of... I personally don't appreciate it.

posted by aimeelastrella @ 5:15 PM 0 Comments